Life Begins at 30

In just 365 days I will be 30 years old. While the number itself doesn't bother me, the fact that the past decade of my life has disappeared as though it were only days does.  It terrifies me. I am not looking forward to my certain death, and each birthday reminds me more and more of my mortality.

Another thing that bothers me is that if I continue living as I have been all of these years, I will meet 30 living a lifestyle I am not proud of, representing myself in a way I never imagined as I entered my 20s just 10 years ago.

I am fat. I am lazy. I've had a tumor.

I have traveled the world, but kept myself from true experiences because of fear and self consciousness.

I want children, but never want to see them struggle with their health or their weight the way that I have and do every day.

I am a trying wife who, on more days than I care to admit, is a great challenge to live with, talk to and enjoy being around.

I can't keep my house clean, my teeth flossed or the daily chores of life balanced, or even completed. I am a sad example of an "adult" - also not what I want for my children.

I wish more than anything that I were pregnant right now, but at the same time I am terrified that I will bring a child into a life that I am not proud of. I fear that people won't even know I'm pregnant because my stomach is already so large. Or worse, that I'll give birth to a child with a physical or mental issues or an addiction to sugar because of the lifestyle and food choices I make when pregnant.

But as I write this I start to consider the text as though it were written by a foreign hand, the letters strung together by a student perhaps who is eagerly anticipating my response. What, in deed, would I say? Most certainly, my response would include the following two words: SO WHAT?

I have made poor choices in the past. I clearly acknowledge that and I am not please with how I have allowed my life to proceed.  This is all true. But so what? Am I going to ruin the remaining years feeling sorry or resentful over the choices and shortcomings of my past? This would certainly continue to destroy my future.

So what does it mean? Perhaps it means I have yet to mature into a state where I am really responsible and accept that my choices have consequences. Perhaps it means nothing. It is definitely true that no matter how I feel about what I have done I am not a bad person, in fact I am a great, caring, compassionate person who gives of herself. I spend far more time working on ways to help my students than I do on maintaining my own life, let alone improving it.

So what am I going to do about it? Well, I cannot change my choices in the past, or how those choices impacted me, but I can take very conscious steps toward improving my future, and maybe even countering the negative impacts from my past.

There are many ways to do that and many of them are beneficial. In fact, things are so bad that any positive choice I make from now on will lead to vast improvement.

There are many choices, but the one that has the greatest hold on me and is probably a huge root problem for the other problems is the one I should focu on, it is what I should care about.

I am going to remove all refined sugar!

This is possible only if I also recognize that it not possible every day of the year, therefore I suggest an absence of refined sugar every day with the exception of a SMALL amount on birthdays and holidays. Day to day, in the coffee, when I'm craving -no!

Now good luck to me!!!

Day one down

New classes, new people, new year. Somehow it feels like I never left.  And while I feel more planned and more prepared this year than ever before, I still don't feel like I have my head fully around anything. I don't feel like I'm fully in it. I guess that's normal. I just wish the homework would stop. I feel like it might actually be possible this year.

Back to work

A whole summer vacation has flown by. The days are getting shorter, the temperature has dropped and even the leaves are red against the browning grass.  Where did summer go?

It's nothing to do with how I feel about my.job. I love it, I just don't feel like I had any fun this summer. I didn't. I spent most of my time cleaning and organizing the house. We now have places for everything we own and I've got an idea of where I'm going with all of my classes. Very productive for life's sake, but not a lot of fun.

Why is it that fun is easier for some than others? It almost seems like fun is something I have to work at. I don't rememner that always being the case. As far as I remember, I used to enjoy myself when I was younger. I didn't take things seriously and I was actually a procrastinator. Now I'm a perfectionist and its really cramping my fun style.

So how do people have fun in real life? It seems to just follow the people in the movies and tv. So where do I get my source?  I suppose the first thing I need to do is stop bringing my work home with me. I've set out a schedule that allows me to stay at work for an extra hour or two on Tuesday and Thursday and never bring work home. I know it is possible to teach and be a good teacher while still doing this. The only thing standing in my way is me. My inability to find things to do with my time that I enjoy enough to occupy me. I've spent so much time in school, doing school things that I'm sure I know how to do much else. I know I enjoy other things, I just have to remember that.

School day number one tomorrow. Only 109 days until Christmas break.

Busy already?

I'm not even back at work and I'm already busy. There are certain thing I'd like to do every day, yet even on days like this when I don't have the distraction of work I still can't seem to find time. Do I have unrealistic expectations about what can and should be accommplished in one day? Do I have to give myself a limit to my daily to do list? I suppose that is a reasonable idea. There are few things that NEED to be done today or tomorrow, but should I always be putting things off for tomorrow?

Jack Layton died yesterday. A man who had done so much for our country and still had so much more he wanted to do. I wonder if on hos deathbed he or his wife thought he should have spent more time working, or he should have fixed the leaking pipe or redid the kitchen floor. I can't imagine that when life is set to end that any of the things I rush to finish are even considered. In fact, I would regret having spent so much time on these silly things. 

In some ways spending time getting the to do list finished helps make life easier from day to day, but if time is never made for making the day to day fun and enjoyable then what is the point?

So what are the things I need to give my time to every day and what can wait? I suppose it is family, friends, my interests. Work needs a certain amount of time, since it is something you will be doing for many years and finding ways to make it easier and more fun will be a huge benefit in the long run. I need to take care of myself mentally, physically and emotionally. That is a definite! I must find things that I enjoy.

I've spent the last 24 years in a school ever day. I've always taken classes and had studying to do. Do I actually enjoy it or do I do it because it is what I know, it makes me feel productive and I am good at it? I really don't know the answer. How would I feel if I wasn't teaching or taking a course? What else would I do? Perhaps that is an interesting thing to try to determine this year. What do I enjoy? What do I WANT to do?

Huge questions.
Now for the answers.

Becca beats the lawn mower

She won! For the past few days I've spent most of the day outside in the yard with Becca. Despite a shorter walk, she's been doing great. She's stopped trying to attack the lawn mower and weed whacker. She met another dog through the fence and was pretty decent about it. Only one short bark attack and a quick pee, but otherwise OK.

TODAY WAS GREAT! The neighbour offered up her pool and mom and I actually used it. Havn't seen mom in water for years. It was nice. I think I'd never need to go to a resort if we had a pool. With a blender I'd have eveything I'd need for a swim up bar. I think we should buy the house.

My big debate for this year is get a second job or work on finding happiness. Happy is good, so is money. I'm lost.

Goal for tomorrow- read, relax, get Becca into her new puppy pool. ENJOY!

Getting back on track

So I've been home from the boat for a week now and I'm finally feeling like I'm getting back on track. I had considered doing fun things like going to the beach or hiking up north, but then I thought about the things that make my life harder when I go back to work. I realized that life isn't more stressful when I'm working because I didn't go to a beach in the summer, it's stressful because my daily life is difficult. Why are daily activities so difficult I asked? Well I figured we just haven't gotten things organized. Our items do not have homes and that is a challenge, because you are constantly searching for things, constantly moving items around to get to others, constantly struggling to be only slightly behind instead of completely behind in everything you do. So, I'm going to spend the rest of my time off doing things that will make living from day to day in this house a little easier. We've finally gotten everything unpacked, now it's time to organize.

I started an inside tool box today.
I organized the basement, so that items for use are in the back (paint, tiles, etc.), our belongings are in the bedroom (camping goods, packed clothing, etc) and large items for general storage or garbage are in the rec room.  Done!
Since the dryer doesn't work I moved it out of the way so that getting in and out of the basement is easier.
I started a clothing line in the back so I can now dry more than 1 load of laundry at a time. This now means I can do more than one load a day!! HUGE improvement.
Finally, mom and I began cutting and bundling the branches that were trimmed off the trees in May and never made it to the state where they could be removed. Mat and his dad were awesome with cutting things down, but again they just piled things up and walked away saying a wood chipper would be rented. When?? We've probably got an entire front yards worth to be picked up and that's not even half of what needs to be done.

Becca barked and lunged at one man today, but he was running toward us to catch the bus, so I don't really blame her.  Other than that we were in the back yard all day and she finally got comfortable. Her barking was done a lot from yesterday. She looked to me a lot more for assurance of what she was to do. She also finally laid down on her side and slept. She does this inside, but she rarely does it outside. She's always on patrol...alert and ready to go, which is exhausting for both of us. Today...she let go and it was great. I actually saw happiness in her. Wonderful!!

I have 21 days until school starts. I feel like once the wood is taken care of in the back I can focus on preping for the first week.  I still have to determine the course outline for all of my courses. I should at least know what I'm going to teach and when.  I'll give myself ten hours for each course and that's all.  That needs to result in an understanding of the units I will teach, at least some of the major assignments, and everything that will be completed during the first week, including the creation of all handouts.  I've hit a point where I do not want to go above and beyond anymore. I just want to do enough to be good at what I do. I don't need to be great if it means giving all of my time and energy to teaching. I've realized that in the end it makes me tired, jaded, bitter and just unpleasant, which is never good for anyone.  I would like to give myself one day per week where I will stay late afterschool. I'm hoping that will be the only day that I have to work after 3:30pm. I would like to get to school at 8:00 and leave at 4:00. This is 8 hours. With 1 hour for lunch and 4 hours of teaching that is only 5 hours, which somehow gives me three hours for working. Where it goes I have no idea, but apparently that is how it is. This year I will keep a log of how my time in spent, so I can see exactly how it is used each day.  I need to start factoring in time for me!

Well, now is the time for me. I'm going to eat some delicious popcorn, watch a little Combat Hospital and crawl into bed with Cesar Millan.

Tomorrow I attack the back! Trees -- you're going down!

another day

Is life this hard for everyone or am I the special one?

Well the day started with a trip to the dealership for an oil change. Considering the new surroundings, increased traffic and high energy level of the morning Becca was pretty good. I haven't had her off leash and I can see an increase in her energy level. She's much more agitated and easy to snap. She's doing a lot of barking at people and some lunging, though her barks are usually not of the threatening kind, but other people don't know that. I'm troubled by her movement in the moment - it's not a positive thing.  I know it'll take some time to get back in the swing of things. She's probably not completely comfortable or adjusted to being here yet. She'll come along.

I then had an appointment with an allergist. He was the first to mention that mould can have adverse health effects. He also ordered a test for asthma and a general one for my immune system. I hope this mystery is solved soon.

I spent most of the day trying to get the outside of the house looking suitable. The week whacker jammed and I took to hand pulling the weeds from between the slabs on the driveway. Found a dead mouse in the place of a missing brick in the retaining wall and sadly, just left it there. I don't know what to do with it and it seemed like a circle of life situation as the flies had found joy.  Becca was very calm tied up in front with me after having jumped the side fence twice. Surprisingly the first time since we put it up. I screwed up when the neighbours came to visit. A young girl came to visit with her little nephew. She's about 13 and the boy is about 2. I didn't want him running toward Becca since I wasn't sure of her behaviour, so I asked her to walk slowly and talk to Becca. They've met several times, but the girl started to hunch over and my bully dog saw it was a sign of weakness and lunged. Her snout actually made contact through the girl claimed she did not bite her. I felt so stupid. Becca jumped again later at night at two women out for a walk. Perhaps I'm responsible for this as well, since I saw her react to their presence and I had the thought that she might jump. I couldn't shake the thought and she probably felt it...then she did it! I have to find something to say in my head to centre me and calm me and make me the assertive leader she needs. She's definitely a dominant dog. She is aggressive, but it's fear based. Regardless of the cause it's not great. She was clearly mistreated in her past house. Unlike most dogs she will lay down and sleep in her own pee - I can only imagine this is because she never learned not to, perhaps was even forced to live that way. I do love her. I bought her a dress and put a tiara on her - cutest picture ever!!!

Tomorrow is the big 10 year old birthday party. Being 28 sucks, but being 10 sounds like a better birthday party. People are being very responsive and have tons of ideas for games. I'm looking forward to the ice cream sundae bar.

I haven't done a great job at finding balance. I've been very busy and I'm not liking it. I think I'd like to go camping with Becca next week, but I'm nervous of her reactions. I also haven't gotten her to the vet for her heart worm meds, so I guess it's a horrible idea. Perhaps just really great day hikes in the woods.

Goal for tomorrow:

get the party prepping done EARLY! Take a really long walk with becca and tire her out. and RELAX!